Touch

I am actually a day late on this. I didn't babysit last night and instead took my sisters out to the pumpkin patch!

Touch, the physical connection.

Since a young age, we need humans, we need to trust/distrust, we need the love, we need reassurance, we need a hug, we need warmth, we need a reaction to our actions, we need touch.

Yet in our teenage and young adult years, we are looked down because we have a need for humans. How silly of our society--to put it nicely. We get told to ignore when we are ignored, to not look for people's names to appear on our phones, to enjoy the lonely nights with no one around us, and to not expect praise for all we do. And I wonder, if this is all we've ever known, if it is embedded into our humanity, why do we fight so hard against it?

My thoughts are a little all over the place on this one, and I'm not sure I'm articulating what I want to say. But my point is that we should touch, we need reactions, interactions, and we should not feel guilty about these things.

I'll share where this hit me. Last Saturday I visited my boyfriend, we only spent about three hours together, but I'm sure in this time I could count how many hugs/caresses/kisses I received. I admit it's not something I am used to and it's why it hit me. We are a couple who is very "lovey dovey" and a great deal of that comes from being apart at least 6 days a week, we have that need to feel that we're actually there, to feel the warmth and affection. I brought it up to him, and we discussed it and why it was so, and so it hasn't reoccured. But driving home that day I felt very unwanted, and it was an issue I've never had so we are clear to not repeat this.

So I want to say- touch.

We humans need it, and if you read this I just want to say that it is normal to have a need to be needed and to be wanted, of course there are realistic expectations that we must adhere to. But, if you don't feel wanted or needed and dwell in that lonely space [note: there is a difference between the lonely space and alone space] then I do encourage you to go out and look for friends who will make it clear that you are wanted, valued, appreciated, needed and that you make a difference.

touch

təCH/

verb

1. 1. 

   come so close to (an object) as to be or come into contact with it.
2. 2. 

   handle in order to manipulate, alter, or otherwise affect, especially in an adverse way.

noun

1. 1. 

   an act of touching someone or something.
2. 2. 

   a small amount; a trace.

Giver

I was born to be a giver.

Saturday morning, I get up and I get ready to go visit my boyfriend, I decide to skip breakfast at home and grab a muffin and coffee from Starbucks. As I drive out, at the exit of the shopping center, there is a homeless man, I am immediately thankful that there's a red light and I pull out a $5 bill and hand it to him. He thanked me very much, and said "Ma'am, I know it's that time of day to eat, that's all I'm trying to do here" and he turned and headed to the McDonalds." 

And you wouldn't believe how happy I felt, I don't tell this story to get a pat on the back, but I do share it with a little shame of my selfishness.

I've made it a goal of mine that when I give to those who are on the streets, to make it matter. Because will a dollar or two make a difference? No. But even just $5 can mean a meal to them, something that matters and that everyone is worth of. I get told, "what if they use it for something else?" And so I'll tell you--is that my business? No. Because I'm not here to judge them, or how they got to the situation that they are in.

So Saturday, I felt complete, because I felt like I might have actually made a difference- and I'm not talking about ground-shattering, I changed his life. I mean even if for just a day, I made a difference, I gave and it mattered.

And so I continued my drive across the mountains to my boyfriend. 

In the mountains, I thought of giver. 

I am a giver, and I wish I could explain how I know that this is what I am meant to do in my life, but I simply can't. When it comes to my home life, I'm a giver: I've been there to take on the role that my parents have needed me to, I love to spoil my sisters when I can, and so much more. When it comes to work, I give my all- whether it's being above and beyond production and performance at Albertson's or moving everything so I can help with babysitting as best I can. And it's part of the reason why I struggle with my college education-because it's for myself. I want to be an English teacher, so I can help those who struggle with writing, to help those who panic at an english class. In my church activities, I like being part of the framework- helping with hospitality and organizing rather than standing in front of everyone teaching, because it's the smaller details that help the teacher flow in her plan. When I look to my future, I want to be the one who supports my husband, who spoils him perhaps, the one who gives it all for my kids and is always there. I like to make others feel like they are a priority.

I am a giver.

giv·er

ˈɡivər/

noun

1. a person who gives something.

   [or everything]

Mothers.

Surprisingly, I need to find more things to write about because I am drawing a blank on Tuesdays.

Today, this one is for my mother.

Saturday was her birthday, 54 years. I was extremely happy that I got to see her all day, sound all day with her, and do what she wanted since Friday night. Though, on Saturday she kept saying she wanted to call her mom because she knew that my grandma didn't remember her birthday anymore, but when she did--my grandma called every year. It made me a little sad to be honest, because I don't know if one day she might not remember my birthday anymore, but it was a reminder to truly appreciate her while I have her.

Me and my mom never got along when I was younger, it wasn't until I was probably out of high school that things got better. I am glad to say that even though we didn't necessarily get along, we have respected each other.

So I wonder how you're supposed to tell this beautiful woman, how much beauty you see in her. How I don't comprehend how she can do so much for us. How she plays it off, but we all know she was a genius in school, and now you fear that you won't ever get to her level. There's so much I wish i could tell her but I can't find the words or the thoughts to tell her.

A mother is someone who shapes you, for better or for worse. As we grow up we start to see their flaws first hand, but at the same time you love them more because of it. Even though there are things she did that I can't get past, I know in my heart that she did it all with the best intentions.

I don't want to take my mother for granted, because I don't want to regret it 50 years from now, when I can't wish her a happy birthday anymore or dedicate a day to her joy.

Stress

Surprisingly, I very much look forward to writing a post on Tuesday nights. Tuesday nights I babysit so I always hope that they go down nice and easy so I can breathe for a while.
Well this last week has been extremely stressful. I've managed to survive, and seeing as how I love the individual reasons as to why I'm so busy and stressed, I really want to try to stop complaining so much. To give you an idea of how my week has been so far I will try to write out my schedule from Wednesday-Today.
Wednesday: Woke up, got ready, drove an hour to meet my BF, hung out, had to drive another hour to see my cousin who was helping me buy my new laptop (hello, baby!), drove back another 45 minutes to where I originally met my boyfriend, by this time I was exhausted and ended up crashing at my best friends apartment, but stayed up till 230 AM since she was skyping with a boy.
Thursday: woke up, best friend wanted breakfast, we went, figured I'd be better off missing class, drove home for an hour, got ready, went to work from 1-6, then straight to church for a meeting, then drove home, changed and went to the youth group meeting and didn't get home until 10:30ish?
Friday: woke up lateish, grabbed coffee and went to meet with the teacher for Little Church to discuss how I was going to run class on Sunday, drove by work and grabbed my check, picked up my sister, got ready, went to Disneyland (necessary? No, but I felt like it was much needed time for me and her) and got home around 10?
Saturday: Worked 9-5, went grocery shopping for dinner, got home and dropped off my sister at her Senior homecoming dance, went home had dinner, stayed up waiting, picked up my sister, stayed up late talking to my boyfriend (we had exchanged a total of like 5 texts)
Sunday: Woke up, breakfast with my family, got ready, went to Little Church, I was a wreck, completely nervous, messing up, went straight to work from 3-1030 and didn't get home till 11ish, stayed up again with my boyfriend but I fell asleep on him
Monday: wake up, try to calm down and just relax, go to work from 3-830, drive by and drop off some papers my best friend needed me to get to her parents, get home around 9 and shower and all, go to sleep around 11
Today: Woke up, get my things ready, my lovely mother made me a veggie/fruit shake for breakfast that I drank on my way to school, school from 11-1215 where I realized I'm slacking much more than I should be, drive to work change and eat a muffin, work from 1-6, and then have dinner and babysit from 6:45-now

So I've had a lot on my plate. And in the moment of doing each of these things-- I love doing them. But I'm also not mentioning that I'm not doing homework, and work is physically exhausting. So I've been searching for a more leisure job, like I would love to just be someone's assistant or something of the sort. I mean it's one of those tireds that you just feel. I am greatly enjoying being so involved with church, frankly I feel like it's my calling. But when I put it all on the table, ouch.
So I guess today I couldn't really think of anything in specific, but I wanted to fill you in on a bit of what my life has been day-to-day.

I know this was probably a pretty boring post, but it's there!

xoxo